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When I was 5..

I was scared of the first day of school, valued my story book collection and was learning to speak fluent english. When I was 5.. I made thousands of mixed tapes of me singing nursery rhymes in my mum's sewing room. When I was 5 I had imaginary friends who never let me down, walked around with bare feet until the sun went down and my feet were black. When I was 5.. I loved the rain and my eyes went bigger as I saw chocolate chip cookies. When I was 5 .. my mum washed me everyday and fed me, I cried whenever I left her side. When I was 5 .. I loved Sesame Street and Play School and spent hours watching cartoons without a care in the world. When I was 5.. I didn't have money and didn't need it, I thought it was a useless piece of plastic. When I was 5.. I played in the backyard and cried when I fell down face flat on the concrete. That was all when I was 5..

Now, Im 17 and facing the biggest challenge of my life the HSC. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it and when I stuff up my assessments, it feels like the end of the world. Im 17 and money is more important to me than happiness, I actually believe money IS happiness. Im 17 and scared shitless about the future, about being successful, about responsiblities. Im 17 and my friends, family, myself all dissapoint me. My eyes brighten at the thought of having thousands and thousands of shoes, clothes, accessories. Im 17 and theres not a day that I don't feel down, depressed or in the dumps. Im 17 and everything seems to be against me, dissapoint me or just never comes to me. I want to cry but I can't, I want to scream but the words don't come out right. Im 17 and think of leaving my family from time to time.. knowing that its sinful, selfish and not me.

Chocolate chip cookies, play school and mixed tapes don't make me happy anymore.
I question what does make me happy?

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Posted on Monday, July 6, 2009
Comments:
Honestly it's normal to feel depress at the age of 17, i mean imagine living day after day on a positive note, no mix reactions. Try not to concentrate on what others have that you don't bcos it just causes more unhapiness in my theory, maybe not. Like we all said, happiness doesn't come on its own yet can't seek happiness everyday or on a random day, it tends to happen for whatever reasons. The world seems to be against me as well. Just embrace it, certainly take it as someone good - learn from it, otherwise more misery will arise.

Well considering you plan on leaving the family, how much thought have you given on it though its against religion/morals ? All i can say is reason it out against the cons.

What makes me happy ? i've always been interrogating that myself too -> ppl, environment, success etc ? I don't know, life is complicated. To search for an answer, it's hard to find. There's never right or wrong. You really deserve so much better & hopefully you recover sooner or later. I'm so glad to have met someone like u =)

TC & be happy !
posted by Anonymous NC : July 8, 2009 at 5:01 PM
 
When I was 5 I used to watch playschool and be amused by the stories they read and the games they play. Now everytime I watch playschool I can't stop thinking dirty. Today this guy was singing the 'riding the car song' and thrusting his hips a lot. Last week he was singing the 'elephant song'. My innocence is gone but I still find the show pretty damn amusing (though for the wrong reasons)
posted by Blogger OliverKM : July 8, 2009 at 6:40 PM
 

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